I think if I could get over just the petty annoyances of each day, I might be fine doing this. It just feels like Mon-Fri I am surrounded by annoying people. Well, I am. But then the weekend comes.

The weekend is coming. Thank God.

  ¶ 4:42 PM

  I think, perhaps, they are just never going to be quiet. The children. Too much to ask, I dare say. Teach for America tells you over and over to hold "high expectations" and I used to imagine that they meant the kids would read a ton of books or pass a hard test or truely excel. But I am learning that my "high expectation" was that they would ever shut the hell up. And I think I am dropping it right now.

Tonight is the first Parent/Teacher Organization meeting and I have to open up my class to parents to meet me. I am terrified that parents are going to come charging in and find words misspelled on the board and demand to know why their child is constantly in detention. I am afraid they are going to blame me for their kids lack of interest in the world and inability to be respectful. It seems so unfair; I have only had them a month. How do I tell a parent that the fruit of their loins is just basically an ass? Can I tell a parent, "Your child seems to be completely committed to failing my class and making me cry." ? Or should I sugar coat it and say, "Your son has many leadership qualities and if he would only apply himself blah blah blah."

But then I remember that the really "bad" kids in my class most likely won't have anyone coming to the PTO meeting. And then that makes me feel sad and reminds me that I really do need to try to reach these kids. It is the kids that are doing well that will have a family posse interested in knowing their teacher. The other kids parents are working or taking care of other kids or involved with some other nightly activity that prevents school involvement. Ugh. I try to keep their messed up circumstances central in my mind, but it is hard when they are glaring at you and telling you that they have never been so miserable as they are in your presence.

I hope the parents like the things on my board. I hope none of the kids wrote cuss words on the "Get to Know Us" bulletin board in order to screw me.   ¶ 3:41 PM

  I just had another delicious weekend. These weekends really sustain me through the week. North Carolina can be really beautiful, in places. I have been duped into hating it by having to live in a weird mini-city that thrives only on giant retail big box stores and fast food joints.

I have just gotten back from Chapel Hill where my friends Owen and Charles live. As always, hanging out with them reaffirms my presence on the planet and makes me feel human again. My friend Terri and I drove down there and I finally got to see where she lives: this smaller town called Henderson. Henderson is also a step up from Rocky Mount, where I live. I still wouldn't want to live there, but it is better than here.

Chapel Hill is a pretty cool town. It has many of the things that I am realizing I desire for a town, for example: a Whole Foods where I can purchase Goddess Dressing and more varieties of cheese than just cheddar and American, a music store with more than just Christian rock, and people with strange hair and piercings. Who knew I needed this? Both Portland and San Francisco have it and I always just took it for granted. No more.

We went to a graduate school party and I was surprised at how those Library Science folks can party. Then we rounded off last night by eating fried chicken, shredded pork, fried okra, and biscuits the size of our heads. I wasn't feeling so good after that, but I sure was feeling Southern. Today we went to a super cute coffee place owned by lesbians, Whole Foods, and Borders Books. Pretty splendid, altogether.

I think I am going to send off for information about University of North Carolina. I do like Chapel Hill and I do so love to live near Owen. It always feels strange when we are in different states. I would also like to spend more time with my friend Terri, who insists that I am not allowed to move, anyway. I don't know if I want to continue teaching, still. But I think I do want to spend more time here.   ¶ 6:37 PM