Better now. Friday. Thank you to a higher power.

I love Friday so much. It is my favorite day. Saturday is not as good because I feel pressure to make it great. Then Sunday is kind of sad because I know the weekend is ending.

But Friday is perfect because it is hope! So much weekend ahead! So much promise. I am the happiest, nicest teacher on Fridays.  ¶ 7:32 AM

  I'm really upset right now.

So the day started out on a bad note. Two of my students started fussing with each other. Tiara and Travis started out good naturedly insulting each other, which I tried to stop. But it got all serious and then Tiara stood up to go smack him. He stood up, too, and suddenly we had a potential fight. As I tried to get them apart, Travis called me a bitch. But I got them apart and took them aside seperately and just tried to get them to calm down. It was only homeroom and I didn't want to send either of them to the office that early, so I didn't. I just asked them to try to avoid each other for the rest of the day.

But now I feel awful because during fourth period, Tiara ended up stabbing Travis with a pencil in the back-- twice. Like, she hurt him, blood and all. I guess they never figured out their differences. I know that if I had sent them to the office earlier, that wouldn't have happened. They would have been in a little trouble, but not what is happening now. Tiara is the girl who threw a desk at me in the beginning of the year. She was really difficult at first, but for the last month or so, she has really improved. She has been awesome for a while, now. But because of this, she is now long-termed. Gone. When some other teachers were talking about her, they were saying things like "She had so much potential" and "I had some hopes for her". They were talking about her like she had died. She is now out of our hair and they all seemed so flippant about it. I guess they have been doing this much longer than me, because I cried all the way home. What happens to a kid once they are long-termed? They go to some school with a bunch of kids that are even more violent and messed up than them. That is not going to be good for Tiara.

To top it all off, in that same 4th period class, another one of my students got suspended for 7 days for pushing the teacher. The frustrating thing is that the class all of these students had is taught by an awful teacher. I hate to sound superior, but how do students even get into a position where they are stabbing each other? How does a student get so angry at his teacher that he pushes her? I just don't think that could happen in my class. The kids aren't out of control maniacs-- they lead up to things like this. There has to be opportunity and build up. With structure, you can avoid those things. But this teacher is awful and the kids are completely wild in her room. And Dennis, the kid who supposedly pushed her, is really not the kind of kid who does stuff like this. I just know it is at least partly her fault.

So the end of my day consisted of talking to this sobbing 15-year-old boy who's mom was going to kick his ass. He just kept saying, "You know me, Ms. R! I wouldn't push her! I was playing." And he had been so happy earlier in the day because his grades had gone up. He was so proud and he couldn't wait to get home to show his folks.

I feel like drowning myself in the sink. I don't like having this much responsibility. When I make a mistake, it has potential to really mess up some small people. I don't like that at all. I know the Tiara thing isn't all my fault-- I didn't stab anyone with a pencil. But I also know I could have done more to prevent it. I want to go back to working at a book store.  ¶ 3:36 PM

  Now that I have my new glasses, I feel awkward wearing them. I feel like I am making a big deal of them by wearing them.

I hate having new things. The wear in period is always awkward. Like when I get a haircut or something. I hate all of the "Oh! You got a haircut!" stuff. I feel like I am in a parade or something. I feel like I am purposely drawing attention to myself.

Perhaps I overthink most things?

Tragically, I know I may not wear them much because of these random insecurities. All it took was one student saying, "How come you are wearing glasses?" to make me take them off. Blindness is preferable to the attention. (knock knock).
  ¶ 9:04 AM

  I am not a fan of the military, necessarily, but damn I've loving those veterans, today. Day off. Much needed. Much loved.

I am even doing work-- which feels great. And I went grocery shopping. And to the library. And picked up my new glasses. So productive. So pleased. Ahhhh.....  ¶ 12:02 PM

  I had a really lovely weekend, which has made me a better teacher. I think that the state should give teachers everything they want and need and then the achievement gap will close. Happy teachers are good teachers.

I'm feeling a little frustrated today by standardized testing. I know this is to be expected. But seeing it up close and personal really puts it into perspective. In North Carolina, students are required to pass this computer test. Makes sense in a lot of ways-- I agree that students should be familiar with word processing and the internet. These are now required skills for many jobs and just some things in general. It would be hard to navigate college applications and financial aid, for instance, if you didn't know a thing about the internet.

But my kids are also required to know how to build databases. How is that a necessary skill? I am sure that it is useful, but for a group of kids that read and write way below grade level, I feel like their time is better spent learning those skills. Also, no one is training teachers (at least not at my school) on these skills, so the kids aren't being taught well at all. The teacher responsible for teaching the database portion of the test told me today that she just reads from this script thing and hands out worksheets. She says there is no way she could build one herself. So basically, I am sending my students out this week to have a two-hour opportunity to fail and feel crappy about themselves. Because God knows they don't have enough of those opportunities.

And they take these tests really seriously. They understand that they are important. They also understand that they keep failing them. They think they are stupid and as much as I try to teach them how the system is screwing them, they are not at a place where they can understand such big concepts. It is so much easier to believe that they are just dumb.

So that is a bummer. But I am also having a really good time with my students lately. I am actually enjoying their company. I have met with a few parents of the really hard cases and that is helping a little. My principal asked me today if I had any students I wanted to "long term", meaning kick out of school all together and send to an alternative school or something. I had a lot of power to do that because she knows how unruly and violent some of my kids are. It was a revealing moment for me because when I sat down and considered each of my students, I realized that I didn't really want to lose any of them. Not my burglar, not the girl who threw a desk at me, not my petty thieves, not the girl who hurled a book at me and called me a bitch. Given the chance to get rid of them, I told my principal that I would keep them all. That feels amazing.  ¶ 3:56 PM