Things I was Supposed to Know Today and Didn’t:

1. My dental insurance covers basically nothing and I now owe six hundred dollars when I thought I was all paid up.

2. I should only let Justin out of class at 9:04am when his pass says to report to the cafeteria at 9:05am because when I let him out at 9:03am like I did today I "basically encourage him to act out because he has too much free time", according to the vice-principal.

3. What time the assembly was.

4. To bring a "favorite student writing sample and an OUT OF THIS WORLD writing prompt!!!" to the English department meeting.

5. The younger janitor doesn’t like me very much…considers me snobby, apparently.

6. My roof leaks and there should be a trashcan placed in the center on the room whenever there "be even a whiff or hint of rain", according to the older janitor, so that I don’t come into a puddle of a classroom like I did this morning.

7. Teachers are responsible for taking attendance, taking the notes and excuses of each of her one million students, fill out an attendance correction form for each note, maintain a file of the notes, and report the attendance and attendance changes to the "Attendance Officer" who has her own little office.

8. What the hell the "Attendance Officer" does in her own little office since I am responsible for doing all of the tasks in #7.

9. That I am "taking away Johnny’s fundamental rights to education" because I have him sitting in the back of my room, according to the "Exceptional Children’s Liaison", because he is deaf in one ear. First I’ve heard of it.

10. Where I am supposed to find the time to know all the things I am supposed to know.

It has kind of been a crap day and it is not quite noon. Thank goodness I have a workshop tomorrow because I am pretty sure that if I had to come here any more this week…well, I just wouldn’t.

Tonight I am going to see Melissa Ferrick at Cat’s Cradle! I used to love going to her shows. In the last couple of years I have been mostly disappointed…she seems to chew her gum at a frightening pace and I tend to worry for her safety and health. But I am excited to go tonight. There is always, at the very least, excellent people watching potential.
  ¶ 11:24 AM

  Today I feel a little like having a nervous breakdown for no reason. I feel really anxious and about to cry. I feel like there is no way I can keep doing this teaching thing. I feel like it is hopeless and I am not doing any good for anyone. I feel like teaching middle school is useless and I have trapped myself in a job where I will be forever surrounded by frustration, sadness, helplessness, and irritation. As I look around at my students today, I vacillate between wanting to smack them, hug them, scream at them, or just walk out and never come back. I feel a little like I am having a panic attack.

All of this is disturbing. But then I have to remind myself that I felt this way at this time last year, too. Right before winter break is a time of difficulty—I don’t know why. I looked back at my blog to how I felt last year. This is what I wrote on December 18, 2003:

"It is pretty official in my mind that this is my first and last year teaching. I do still have empathy and I am not looking forward to the time when I don't. Some days I already don't. I really just know that teaching is not for me, and at 28-years-old I just don't feel like I have the time to spend two years doing something that is not for me. But I am holding steady for this year. And I will always have an overwhelming respect for career teachers."

I was officially done teaching at this time last year. But by summer I had decided to become one of those "career teachers" the winter me was going to have so much respect for. I write this entry mainly to help any first year teachers out there who may be feeling like they are going out of their mind this week and next.

This knowledge only diminishes my desire to weep and crawl under the covers a slight bit. But at least a slight bit.
  ¶ 10:56 AM

  It really is a conundrum, isn’t it? Knowing that a particular parent’s discipline style could be described as… well, painful, and having to decide whether or not to report their kid to them for misbehavior.

These parents who kind of smack their kids (I am being kind here by saying "kind of"—I know some of them really smack the hell out of them with a belt) tend to have a lot of (short term) control over their kid’s behavior. When I report these students, they come back to school the next day with tears in their eyes and apologize profusely. The good behavior doesn’t usually last—with the exception of one of my students whose mother told me she was going to "tan her hide" about a month ago and now said student only requires a look from me to shut her up good—but it’s a relief even if only for a few days.

I would have to admit, as well, that I derive a certain guilty pleasure from knowing that some of these kids are being made to regret some of the decisions they make. I, personally, don’t believe in spanking kids. I think that they can be made to behave in other ways. But when a kid has gone out of his/her way to make my life miserable for several weeks, I can’t say I am very sorry when they get "whupped and good" by their folks at home.

Today I reported one of my students for bad behavior. I took him out in the hall and whipped out my cell phone. By the look on his face, I could tell that he was scared. So I made the call. When we got back to class, he flopped down on his desk with a pained look on his face.

Ten minutes later, a banging on my classroom door. I opened it to find a red-faced man in a baseball cap asking, "Is Shane in there? What did he do?" I explained that Shane had been a little rude, kind of downplaying it a little because the dad looked so mean and angry. "Send him out." He told me.

I sent Shane out and he was crying before he hit the door. When he came back, he was beet red and didn’t even bother to look tough anymore. His dad told me that he could guarantee that Shane "gonna feel bad about what he done before the night is through".

Now I feel terrible. That boy is getting beaten tonight. It makes me question if his constant talking, strutting around, and being rude to me is worth that punishment. I never feel completely sure that I am doing the right thing in this job.
  ¶ 4:30 PM

  I just (finally) signed up to take the Praxis exam. Do other careers require you to spend so much time and money on staying current and stuff? Does it get better once you have been teaching for a while? Because I feel like I am constantly shelling out a hundred dollars here and a hundred dollars there, trying to sign up for all these classes that I need, technology credits, reading credits, workshops, etc. It is really overwhelming, expensive, and annoying.

I only have one more year before my license clears—assuming that I pass this Praxis and I get my classes done. The whole figuring out what classes I need is a mystery, too.

Last night I attended a true Southern type of party experience. The birthday boys decided to have a pig to eat. Luckily (?), by the time I arrived, all that was left was a pig head (snout blackened and crispy, eye-sockets empty and charred) and a scraped clean giant skin on the table. I was glad to not have to be a part of the clean-up crew for that party, but it was for good people so I was able to forgive the carnage. You just don’t see sights like that every day out west.
  ¶ 10:08 AM