Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Today I had to turn in my grades for the last six weeks. I am pretty proud because only four of my kids failed. I am not sure if that means that I am not being harsh enough or that they are doing more work.
But I do have a success story. One of my students spent the first six weeks sleeping and didn't turn in a thing. But in the last three weeks, we did an intervention and he has really started to improve. He went from an F to a C for this report card. It was really a pleasure to see him light up when I told him his grade. The more success he has, the more he wants to be successful. I wish all of the kids took to it like that. ¶ 5:51 AM
I am feeling very homesick, tonight. And I am not even sure what home I am sick for. Maybe the Bay, where my friends are. Maybe Portland, where my family is.
I am a little tired of being surrounded by new things. I am enjoying my time here, but I think I need a break. I miss being around familiar and predictable people and things. I am also oddly exhausted and have been for a couple of weeks. I don't get enough sleep or exercise. Just in a funk, I guess.
And my students are so...much. They take up ninty percent of my brain at all times. I feel overwhelmed by all of their needs and wants and problems. I need to carve out more of a life of my own here and not just wait for weekends to come so I can go to Chapel Hill. I know what things would make me feel better, but I am so tired at the end of the day, I don't do any of them.
But tomorrow I have the day off to take my perfect little car to the VW mechanic. Her check engine light is on, which stresses me out. I hope it is nothing serious. And I hope there is a coffee shop near the mechanic shop. ¶ 8:06 PM
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Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Um, I came out to a very very very straight teacher here today. I don't know why I did it. It was unplanned and uncontrollable.
I'm kind of freaked out.
More later... ¶ 9:43 AM
Well, it was one of those awkward situations that I have been having since I got here. Being closeted means that when other people are having conversations about past relationships and boyfriends, I have the choice of either changing pronouns and stuff or seeming like I have never in my life had a relationship and not be able to ever join in the conversations. I like to be part of conversations too much to do that all of the time.
So, today, a teacher that I hang out with a lot were outside and chatting. She was telling me these stories and I joined in the conversation, but at some point she asked me point blank the name of the "guy" I was talking about. One thing I have always drawn the line at is doing things like calling a "Julie" a "Julian" or something, so I tried to avoid it. But I tried to avoid it for so long that I started to look like a freak and I think she began to think that I just didn't want to tell her because I didn't trust her or something. It got very awkward.
So finally, I turned to her and said, "Well, the thing is-- the guy? He is really a girl."
I have never witnessed such a reaction. In the West, people are just sort of used to it and would at least try to be cool. But her jaw just dropped and it was awful to watch. Awful and awkward and I didn't know what to do.
But at the end of the day, she was going out of her way to be friendly to me, I think. She is young and I think she likes me so I think this will be okay. I worry a little about it getting out. I worry a little about losing one of two friends I have there. But I also feel really great about the fact that I have probably rocked her perceptions a bit. I hope that it is all worth it. ¶ 1:26 PM
Um, I came out to a very very very straight teacher here today. I don't know why I did it. It was unplanned and uncontrollable.
I'm kind of freaked out.
More later... ¶ 9:43 AM
Well, it was one of those awkward situations that I have been having since I got here. Being closeted means that when other people are having conversations about past relationships and boyfriends, I have the choice of either changing pronouns and stuff or seeming like I have never in my life had a relationship and not be able to ever join in the conversations. I like to be part of conversations too much to do that all of the time.
So, today, a teacher that I hang out with a lot were outside and chatting. She was telling me these stories and I joined in the conversation, but at some point she asked me point blank the name of the "guy" I was talking about. One thing I have always drawn the line at is doing things like calling a "Julie" a "Julian" or something, so I tried to avoid it. But I tried to avoid it for so long that I started to look like a freak and I think she began to think that I just didn't want to tell her because I didn't trust her or something. It got very awkward.
So finally, I turned to her and said, "Well, the thing is-- the guy? He is really a girl."
I have never witnessed such a reaction. In the West, people are just sort of used to it and would at least try to be cool. But her jaw just dropped and it was awful to watch. Awful and awkward and I didn't know what to do.
But at the end of the day, she was going out of her way to be friendly to me, I think. She is young and I think she likes me so I think this will be okay. I worry a little about it getting out. I worry a little about losing one of two friends I have there. But I also feel really great about the fact that I have probably rocked her perceptions a bit. I hope that it is all worth it. ¶ 1:26 PM
Monday, November 03, 2003
Big talk earlier. Oh, yeah. I am so tired of doing this! Sorry to be so all over the place, but jeez! I don't know why my tolerance for them is so low right now. I am tired of talking over them and making a million really important decisions every day.
One day it is deciding whether or not to turn them in for stealing from me...AGAIN. They are stealing all the time from my room. Stealing things that are meant for them anyway. Then it is deciding whether or not to turn them in for blatently cheating on tests, assignments, printing poems from the internet and handwriting their names on them. They lie to me constantly. Kids or no kids, it gets really old.
I may just be having a crappy evening. In fact, I am having a crappy evening for a million reasons. But even so, I can't believe I have to do this for another 7 months.
Pardon my angry first year teacher rants. Positivity will resume soon. Promise. ¶ 8:11 PM
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I am having a Teach for America moment, where I realize that I have this huge responsibility to these kids. And also that I have sort of been giving up on them. I can hardly believe that it only took a couple of months for me to do exactly what TFA tells you not to do.
I am going to try harder today. I am going to try to remember not to take things so personally and remember that they are the children and I am the adult. What they say and do does not have to effect me personally, right?
Then again, it is only 7:30am and I have yet to see a child today. We'll see how I do. But I do need to recommit myself to this thing. I need to be a grown-up. ¶ 4:38 AM
Big talk earlier. Oh, yeah. I am so tired of doing this! Sorry to be so all over the place, but jeez! I don't know why my tolerance for them is so low right now. I am tired of talking over them and making a million really important decisions every day.
One day it is deciding whether or not to turn them in for stealing from me...AGAIN. They are stealing all the time from my room. Stealing things that are meant for them anyway. Then it is deciding whether or not to turn them in for blatently cheating on tests, assignments, printing poems from the internet and handwriting their names on them. They lie to me constantly. Kids or no kids, it gets really old.
I may just be having a crappy evening. In fact, I am having a crappy evening for a million reasons. But even so, I can't believe I have to do this for another 7 months.
Pardon my angry first year teacher rants. Positivity will resume soon. Promise. ¶ 8:11 PM
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I am having a Teach for America moment, where I realize that I have this huge responsibility to these kids. And also that I have sort of been giving up on them. I can hardly believe that it only took a couple of months for me to do exactly what TFA tells you not to do.
I am going to try harder today. I am going to try to remember not to take things so personally and remember that they are the children and I am the adult. What they say and do does not have to effect me personally, right?
Then again, it is only 7:30am and I have yet to see a child today. We'll see how I do. But I do need to recommit myself to this thing. I need to be a grown-up. ¶ 4:38 AM
Sunday, November 02, 2003
I think that I have forgotten how to think about being a teacher. I really have so much to do today-- like new seating charts for my classes, an entire unit for poetry, etc. I really want to make them love poetry the way that I love poetry and I have a lot of good ideas, but it would be very easy for me to be lazy and just do book work. The thing is, when I try to do exciting things, the kids go nuts. Like I have all of these dreams of playing music and relating poetry to folk songs and things, but all of these things go easily out of hand. I can picture putting on some of my favorite songs that I consider amazing poetry and having all of them bitch and whine about how they hate my music and why can't we listen to 50 Cent, etc. That will break my heart.
But I think I am going to try it anyway. I think I am going to go to the coffee shop or the library in Rocky Mount (which is actually quite big and nice) and just buckle down. This is what I think, even though I have been doing nothing but cleaning my apartment like a madwoman and emailing people all morning. The cleaning was necessary...I guess the emailing, too, works to keep me a bit sane.
Last night as I was driving to Rocky Mount kind of late, I came very close to hitting a deer while going 70 miles an hour. This brought back this summer when Owen and I did actually hit a deer going 70 miles an hour and even more recently the fact that Owen dressed up as said dead deer for Halloween. It was really scary to slam on my breaks on the freeway going that fast and as I contemplated my death, I almost laughed at the irony of it. But then I did not die and neither did the deer and we are both very pleased. ¶ 9:32 AM
I think that I have forgotten how to think about being a teacher. I really have so much to do today-- like new seating charts for my classes, an entire unit for poetry, etc. I really want to make them love poetry the way that I love poetry and I have a lot of good ideas, but it would be very easy for me to be lazy and just do book work. The thing is, when I try to do exciting things, the kids go nuts. Like I have all of these dreams of playing music and relating poetry to folk songs and things, but all of these things go easily out of hand. I can picture putting on some of my favorite songs that I consider amazing poetry and having all of them bitch and whine about how they hate my music and why can't we listen to 50 Cent, etc. That will break my heart.
But I think I am going to try it anyway. I think I am going to go to the coffee shop or the library in Rocky Mount (which is actually quite big and nice) and just buckle down. This is what I think, even though I have been doing nothing but cleaning my apartment like a madwoman and emailing people all morning. The cleaning was necessary...I guess the emailing, too, works to keep me a bit sane.
Last night as I was driving to Rocky Mount kind of late, I came very close to hitting a deer while going 70 miles an hour. This brought back this summer when Owen and I did actually hit a deer going 70 miles an hour and even more recently the fact that Owen dressed up as said dead deer for Halloween. It was really scary to slam on my breaks on the freeway going that fast and as I contemplated my death, I almost laughed at the irony of it. But then I did not die and neither did the deer and we are both very pleased. ¶ 9:32 AM
Saturday, November 01, 2003
Chapel Hill, again. I had a lot of fun last night for Halloween. Owen and Charles had a party at their house and I must say that there was a lot of creativity flowing! Owen was roadkill (a dead deer, complete with crows pecking at his carcass), Charles was Clay Aiken (a really big deal out here because he's from North Carolina), and there were prom queens and a Wonder Woman, and lots of cool things.
I did what I always do, which is chicken out at the last minute and not dress up at all. Go me.
After the party, the ladies and I went to Bully's Basement, a girly bar in Durham. We saw a Drag King show and then just hung out. Then we went to get burritos. I love late night burritos.
Then, today, I had breakfast at the co-op and watched hippies and babies and puppies frolic in the sun. It was a gorgeous day out here. Then I went for a walk around Chapel Hill and UNC campus with Owen, which made me so hot and tired I came back and had a two hour nap. Love it.
Tonight I am going to Ethiopian food and I can't wait because I haven't had that in ages. And they certainly don't have it in Rocky Mount. You take culture where you can around these parts.
Tomorrow I must do work! I must! Poetry isn't just going to leap into these children's head, you know. ¶ 3:55 PM
Chapel Hill, again. I had a lot of fun last night for Halloween. Owen and Charles had a party at their house and I must say that there was a lot of creativity flowing! Owen was roadkill (a dead deer, complete with crows pecking at his carcass), Charles was Clay Aiken (a really big deal out here because he's from North Carolina), and there were prom queens and a Wonder Woman, and lots of cool things.
I did what I always do, which is chicken out at the last minute and not dress up at all. Go me.
After the party, the ladies and I went to Bully's Basement, a girly bar in Durham. We saw a Drag King show and then just hung out. Then we went to get burritos. I love late night burritos.
Then, today, I had breakfast at the co-op and watched hippies and babies and puppies frolic in the sun. It was a gorgeous day out here. Then I went for a walk around Chapel Hill and UNC campus with Owen, which made me so hot and tired I came back and had a two hour nap. Love it.
Tonight I am going to Ethiopian food and I can't wait because I haven't had that in ages. And they certainly don't have it in Rocky Mount. You take culture where you can around these parts.
Tomorrow I must do work! I must! Poetry isn't just going to leap into these children's head, you know. ¶ 3:55 PM
Friday, October 31, 2003
I just found out that if you enter "fulsom street fair" (the leather extravaganza in San Francisco) into google, my blog comes up on the second page. And there is a quote from me writing something like "men spinning in circles spanking themselves".
I love technology. Sometimes I think this thing is getting out of hand. ¶ 4:15 AM
I just found out that if you enter "fulsom street fair" (the leather extravaganza in San Francisco) into google, my blog comes up on the second page. And there is a quote from me writing something like "men spinning in circles spanking themselves".
I love technology. Sometimes I think this thing is getting out of hand. ¶ 4:15 AM
Thursday, October 30, 2003
I have been laboring over a costume for Halloween and I have finally started getting it together. I went to a craft store last night and spent way too much time there. I ended up with, not only what I needed for the costume, but knitting supplies as well. Someone is going to get a poorly knitted black scarf for Christmas! Watch out, it could be you.
But I am going to dress as a teacher for Halloween. I don't think that many people will get it-- if they haven't been around schools for awhile. But last night I puffy painted a black t-shirt and wrote (in orange) "There is nothing SPOOKIER that ignorance!". Then I am going to tye things to it, like pumpkins and spiders. Good times.
Today is one of those days where I realize that I have a cushy job, in ways. For instance, when I think about it, I only really work from 9:30-2:30. That is when the kids are here. Everything else is pretty chill. Not so bad. It can only be hard because of all of the trauma that kids can pack into those 5 hours. But I feel happy and lucky today.
And, once again, I am excited for the weekend. I have a pretty good life here in North Carolina, now. I am still homesick, but hopefully Christmas going down the Western coast will help that. ¶ 5:38 AM
I have been laboring over a costume for Halloween and I have finally started getting it together. I went to a craft store last night and spent way too much time there. I ended up with, not only what I needed for the costume, but knitting supplies as well. Someone is going to get a poorly knitted black scarf for Christmas! Watch out, it could be you.
But I am going to dress as a teacher for Halloween. I don't think that many people will get it-- if they haven't been around schools for awhile. But last night I puffy painted a black t-shirt and wrote (in orange) "There is nothing SPOOKIER that ignorance!". Then I am going to tye things to it, like pumpkins and spiders. Good times.
Today is one of those days where I realize that I have a cushy job, in ways. For instance, when I think about it, I only really work from 9:30-2:30. That is when the kids are here. Everything else is pretty chill. Not so bad. It can only be hard because of all of the trauma that kids can pack into those 5 hours. But I feel happy and lucky today.
And, once again, I am excited for the weekend. I have a pretty good life here in North Carolina, now. I am still homesick, but hopefully Christmas going down the Western coast will help that. ¶ 5:38 AM
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