Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Um, I came out to a very very very straight teacher here today. I don't know why I did it. It was unplanned and uncontrollable.

I'm kind of freaked out.

More later... ¶ 9:43 AM

Well, it was one of those awkward situations that I have been having since I got here. Being closeted means that when other people are having conversations about past relationships and boyfriends, I have the choice of either changing pronouns and stuff or seeming like I have never in my life had a relationship and not be able to ever join in the conversations. I like to be part of conversations too much to do that all of the time.

So, today, a teacher that I hang out with a lot were outside and chatting. She was telling me these stories and I joined in the conversation, but at some point she asked me point blank the name of the "guy" I was talking about. One thing I have always drawn the line at is doing things like calling a "Julie" a "Julian" or something, so I tried to avoid it. But I tried to avoid it for so long that I started to look like a freak and I think she began to think that I just didn't want to tell her because I didn't trust her or something. It got very awkward.

So finally, I turned to her and said, "Well, the thing is-- the guy? He is really a girl."

I have never witnessed such a reaction. In the West, people are just sort of used to it and would at least try to be cool. But her jaw just dropped and it was awful to watch. Awful and awkward and I didn't know what to do.

But at the end of the day, she was going out of her way to be friendly to me, I think. She is young and I think she likes me so I think this will be okay. I worry a little about it getting out. I worry a little about losing one of two friends I have there. But I also feel really great about the fact that I have probably rocked her perceptions a bit. I hope that it is all worth it. ¶ 1:26 PM