Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Today I feel a little like having a nervous breakdown for no reason. I feel really anxious and about to cry. I feel like there is no way I can keep doing this teaching thing. I feel like it is hopeless and I am not doing any good for anyone. I feel like teaching middle school is useless and I have trapped myself in a job where I will be forever surrounded by frustration, sadness, helplessness, and irritation. As I look around at my students today, I vacillate between wanting to smack them, hug them, scream at them, or just walk out and never come back. I feel a little like I am having a panic attack.
All of this is disturbing. But then I have to remind myself that I felt this way at this time last year, too. Right before winter break is a time of difficulty—I don’t know why. I looked back at my blog to how I felt last year. This is what I wrote on December 18, 2003:
"It is pretty official in my mind that this is my first and last year teaching. I do still have empathy and I am not looking forward to the time when I don't. Some days I already don't. I really just know that teaching is not for me, and at 28-years-old I just don't feel like I have the time to spend two years doing something that is not for me. But I am holding steady for this year. And I will always have an overwhelming respect for career teachers."
I was officially done teaching at this time last year. But by summer I had decided to become one of those "career teachers" the winter me was going to have so much respect for. I write this entry mainly to help any first year teachers out there who may be feeling like they are going out of their mind this week and next.
This knowledge only diminishes my desire to weep and crawl under the covers a slight bit. But at least a slight bit.
¶ 7:56 AM