Monday, December 15, 2003
Know what's fun? Lying.
Tonight I went to a coffee shop to celebrate the accomplishments of a few of my students who did really well on their progress reports. It is a little function put on by my team teacher. Only two kids showed up and they were over an hour late. Which means I was stuck chatting with the other teacher.
I don't like being stuck having real conversations with people around here...on account of being in the closet and all. Whenever I am left alone with other women, they always ask me about dating and stuff. They are being friendly, but I always feel awkward.
So she began to quiz me about past relationships, etc. I became uncomfortable about changing pronouns, gender, and so on. But then I had a breakthrough! It would be so much less awkward if there was no truth whatsoever to what I was saying! So I began to spin a tale for her of heartbreak and drama that would make you weep. She got a tear in her eye.
I characterized my life as a series of unfortunate periods where dedicated men loved and lost me...all due to my wretched independant nature and the fact that I just "couldn't settle down". I told her about Jeff, the artist, who wanted nothing more than for me to drop everything and move to Paris with him (Paris being the only place he thought he could really accomplish his "work"). I, of course, ran away from his love and moved to California, knowing that I could never really dedicate myself to him the way he deserved. Especially since I had such important work of my own to do and found it impossible to compromise...even for love. I admitted that, to this day, I receive heartrending postcards from him (he's never really loved again).
I told her about the others I'd left behind, too. Of course, this is all a huge lie. There is no Jeff or anything of the sort. And I am the one, usually, in my relationships that is left behind in my partner's cruel trail of ambition. But it was much more comfortable to lie completely than to just lie about the gender of the person I am dating/ have dated. And it was really fun.
On a different topic, I am slightly disturbed by the web that I have woven (weaved?) with this blog. I am finding that I am popping up everywhere on internet searches...in places that I would not have expected. Because I write the words "Rocky Mount" and "Teach for America" all the time, I pop up when others enter those words for entirely unrelated searches. I only mention because it is beginning to dawn on me that this blog may be very easy to come across...by people like other teachers at my school and the parents of my students. I can see how my silly musings could easily blow up in my face. Oh, well. The blog has become a beast of its own-- who am I to attempt to contain it? The internet is a wily venue for my thoughts.
4 days until vacation. ¶ 6:39 PM