Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Now that I have my new glasses, I feel awkward wearing them. I feel like I am making a big deal of them by wearing them.

I hate having new things. The wear in period is always awkward. Like when I get a haircut or something. I hate all of the "Oh! You got a haircut!" stuff. I feel like I am in a parade or something. I feel like I am purposely drawing attention to myself.

Perhaps I overthink most things?

Tragically, I know I may not wear them much because of these random insecurities. All it took was one student saying, "How come you are wearing glasses?" to make me take them off. Blindness is preferable to the attention. (knock knock).
¶ 6:04 AM

I'm really upset right now.

So the day started out on a bad note. Two of my students started fussing with each other. Tiara and Travis started out good naturedly insulting each other, which I tried to stop. But it got all serious and then Tiara stood up to go smack him. He stood up, too, and suddenly we had a potential fight. As I tried to get them apart, Travis called me a bitch. But I got them apart and took them aside seperately and just tried to get them to calm down. It was only homeroom and I didn't want to send either of them to the office that early, so I didn't. I just asked them to try to avoid each other for the rest of the day.

But now I feel awful because during fourth period, Tiara ended up stabbing Travis with a pencil in the back-- twice. Like, she hurt him, blood and all. I guess they never figured out their differences. I know that if I had sent them to the office earlier, that wouldn't have happened. They would have been in a little trouble, but not what is happening now. Tiara is the girl who threw a desk at me in the beginning of the year. She was really difficult at first, but for the last month or so, she has really improved. She has been awesome for a while, now. But because of this, she is now long-termed. Gone. When some other teachers were talking about her, they were saying things like "She had so much potential" and "I had some hopes for her". They were talking about her like she had died. She is now out of our hair and they all seemed so flippant about it. I guess they have been doing this much longer than me, because I cried all the way home. What happens to a kid once they are long-termed? They go to some school with a bunch of kids that are even more violent and messed up than them. That is not going to be good for Tiara.

To top it all off, in that same 4th period class, another one of my students got suspended for 7 days for pushing the teacher. The frustrating thing is that the class all of these students had is taught by an awful teacher. I hate to sound superior, but how do students even get into a position where they are stabbing each other? How does a student get so angry at his teacher that he pushes her? I just don't think that could happen in my class. The kids aren't out of control maniacs-- they lead up to things like this. There has to be opportunity and build up. With structure, you can avoid those things. But this teacher is awful and the kids are completely wild in her room. And Dennis, the kid who supposedly pushed her, is really not the kind of kid who does stuff like this. I just know it is at least partly her fault.

So the end of my day consisted of talking to this sobbing 15-year-old boy who's mom was going to kick his ass. He just kept saying, "You know me, Ms. Roberts! I wouldn't push her! I was playing." And he had been so happy earlier in the day because his grades had gone up. He was so proud and he couldn't wait to get home to show his folks.

I feel like drowning myself in the sink. I don't like having this much responsibility. When I make a mistake, it has potential to really mess up some small people. I don't like that at all. I know the Tiara thing isn't all my fault-- I didn't stab anyone with a pencil. But I also know I could have done more to prevent it. I want to go back to working at a book store. ¶ 12:36 PM
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