Wednesday, November 19, 2003

I've still done nothing to figure out my life. I haven't even gotten my student loans deferred and all that takes is putting this letter in an envelope. I have been trying to accomplish this task for about three weeks. As of today, I have the letter filled out and the envelope addressed. Now I have to get it stamped, fill in one part of the form, and put it in the mailbox. It is ridiculous that it is taking me this long.

Especially ridiculous because I do nothing with my time during the week. My roomate's father passed away and she is New York for the week, leaving me alone with the apartment. It is nice, in a way, to have the place to myself-- even though, of course, the circumstances are awful. But being here by myself just highlights the fact that that I am leading a pretty solitary existance-- except for on the weekends. My weekends are filled with things that I really like, but Monday through Friday I seriously sit in this weird apartment every night, wandering around aimlessly and talking to myself. I keep telling myself I should get out and do something, but I really don't think that there is anything to do.

There are other Teach for America teachers all around me-- and they are nice. But I just haven't really clicked with any of them. Plus, they are all exhausted, too. And there is this Young Professionals network that I am a member of, but their events are all about schmoozing and finding husbands. I don't want to do either of those things. And I had a friend or two at school, but I came out to one of them and she doesn't talk to me anymore, really. And the other one says awful things that offend me to the core all the time and is hard to take. Today she told me, "My father got himself two little Mexican men to scrub his floors. They are good at work like that, the little Mexicans." It hurts me to be near it.

I am used to a very social life...as those of you who are reading this and know me are very aware of. Some TFA people deliberately went to a rural place to learn to be alone or find themselves in the solitude. But I didn't want that. I've done this kind of thing before and I know I don't like it. I guess I am just lonely and spend too much time sitting around. I am also pretty homesick right now and missing all my friends who have known me for a long time.

Today I had to be evacuated from my classroom. My classroom is a metal trailer out behind the school. And there was a tornado warning in my county. You gotta love North Carolina. So far, I've had a hurricane and now a potential tornado. You should have seen me when I got that news. I am much more afraid of tornados than most things...perhaps with the exception of tsunamis (which has to be the most horrifying natural disaster, in my opinion...did you know that the ground liquifies in a tsunami and you actually get sucked into the sand long before the wave really hits you? and that right before the wave hits there is an ungodly silence and the ocean goes back so far that it seems to disappear? isn't that just the creepiest thing?). So I had all of my kids with about three other classes wedged into the library and I had to try to keep them quiet. It was stressful, but at least we didn't fly away.

But on the upside, I have met a few people here that I am really glad that I met. Plus, I get to live near Owen. I'm glad my weekend life is what it is...I would just like my weekday life to improve a bit.

¶ 4:56 PM